“I mean, even our splitting up—maybe it was originally my fault. No,
not just originally—if I really think about it, it seems like the whole thing
was partially my fault.”
“But if you’re going to give people the benefi.t of the doubt, don’t you
think you should give yourself the beneG.t of the doubt, too?”
“Oh, of course. I suspect that the whole idea is a kind of trick to let me
be nice to myself.” Utako smiled.
As a young woman Utako’s smile had been bright, but now it was lonely
and twisted. One corner of her mouth bent up slightly, nervously.
“But that’s not the only reason I want to think that way. It’s also because
I’ve gotten tired, that I don’t have any energy. Maybe it’s just easier to give
people the benefit of the doubt when you’re tired.” “Was your life together
really such a battle?”
“Yes. When things start getting bad for a couple, there’s really nothing
you can do. So I guess I just did my best to put up with him. It’s the woman
who’s in the house all the time, after all—it’s the woman who’s always
having to endure . . .”
“Yeah, it certainly looks like it was a lot harder for you to break up with
Someya. I guess it was nothing like when you and I broke up.”
“Oh, that’s cruel, saying that now. I didn’t know anything then. Part of
the reason I put up with so much this time was that I kept thinking about
how you and I had split up before.”
Jiro was unable to speak.
“Putting up with everything until we split up was much harder for me
than actually splitting up. I really mean that.”
Jiro nodded.
“And there are the children.”
